Never good enough

Nothing I do is ever good enough for my father.  I just got a fucking first class honours in my degree, of which I've had straight As throughout the entirety of and he still makes comments about how its not good enough.  He has no formal qualifications AT ALL.  My friend, who was a straight B student until this year, got the highest marks overall in our year on our course and won a prize for it.  My Dad hasn't stopped talking about it since.  "Why didn't you get that? She was never getting As like you!"  She got it, get the fuck over it.  I was pissed at first because I worked hard my whole degree for that prize and my first, and someone else who drank the first 4 years and knuckled down in the last one got it.  But I'm over it, she's my friend I can't help but be happy for her.  I do deserve that prize just as much, and for all I know she had 1% more than me overall, but it doesn't matter now because she won it, end of story.  But my dad  .  just  .  won't  .  let  .  it  .  go.  Its driving me absolutely mental.  He keeps asking how she "possibly could have managed it" and how much higher a mark she had than me.  I DON'T KNOW DAD.  I don't care.  I honestly don't care how much higher her percentage was now, I got a FIRST CLASS HONOURS, ALONG WITH A DIPLOMA AND STRAIGHT As!  How is that not good enough?  Why can't you just be happy for me and proud of what I have achieved rather than what is too late to obtain?  Do you know why I "failed" you father? Do you know why I lost my way this year? Because of you.  Because you niggle and pick at every detail of how I conduct my life and you gradually peel away my self-esteem without me even realising until its too late.  Do you know how I reacted when I found out I had a 1st for my five year degree I'd slaved at?  I was relieved, in my mind I said, "Phew! Now my parents will shut up and stop badgering me."  My friends were crying with pure elation and were ecstatic.  I was thinking that I got a first, and that was what was expected of me.  I still don't feel proud of myself, or happy, or free.  I feel like its made no difference whatsoever to how you treat me.  Because its wasn't the BEST first.  While my friends were celebrating in the room around me gorging on well-earned vodka jelly, laughs and cake, I was listening to you drone in my ear about the statistics of how many people get a first, how its now twice as common as it used to be, so it MUST be easier (not that education is better and people are cleverer, or because maybe people actually have to pay to go to university now and entrance proceedures are stricter then the less clever and the poorer have been weeded out...no that couldn't possibly be it...)

Then after all is said and done you find something else to pick at - my weight, "You're looking awfully fat these days.  You should try to loose some weight now you're finished."  Not that I don't have enough to do with planning my wedding, trying to find a job and buy a house.  Oh but my parents biggest concern now apparently, is that neither me, nor my fiance will be able to find jobs before we get married in three months.  Two people, with excellent degrees, one doing a masters, and the other with industry experience, apparently are TOTALLY unemployable as far as my parents are concerned.  Even if it isn't an ideal job, we're still capable of finding SOMETHING.  I know its hard to find a job in a recession, I have no disagreement with that, but there has got to be something out there that we can get.  Its not impossible, but you're constant belittling IS NOT HELPING.  It is demotivating me, as are the "discussions" about how "fat" I am these days.  I KNOW I AM OVERWEIGHT.  I CAN SEE IT.  But this is exactly the kind of thing that leads people to developing eating disorders.  But I bet you you wouldn't care, would you daddy, as long as it made me skinny... 

I'm terrified for graduation on Friday.  I'm scared he's going to say to someone who didn't get a first, "What happened? How come you only got a 2:2/2:1?"  Nothing WENT WRONG Dad, a lot of people are happy with that mark.  I'm scared he's going to ask Kirsty why she got the prize, when I was consistently better.  I'm terrified he's going to embarass me by asking my tutors why there is no prize for consistency.  I know for the meal after the ceremony we'll sit there with him telling me how fat I am now, they'll pick at my sister's eating habits too (she doesn't eat very healthily), he'll go on and on about his concern for me & Nav not getting jobs within three months, poke fun at my friends for not getting results as good as mine...Just please Dad, for one day, shut your foul fucking mouth.

 Please.

Progress

So yeah...a few days ago I was struggling to even eat as many as 1200 calories, I just wasn't that hungry, and when I was I had distractions (shopping for my graduation stuff) so I didn't eat very often.  I was having to force myself to eat a minimum of 1200 cals to prevent my body from going into starvation mode and clinging to all my fat. 

Any now its all going downhill.  At my sister's for a week and over just this weekend we've had Nando's AND McDonalds already.  She keeps going, "Your diet is going well..." sarcastically.  But its her who keeps choosing where she wants to eat so I feel like I don't have much choice. 

So yeah diet-wise not going that well, but I'm starting my exercise regime tomorrow - basically a shitload of Yoga at least 3-4 times per week, lots of Kinect fitness stuff and hopefully back to swimming nearly every morning (I used to go 5 mornings a week for half an hour then walk 40 minutes into Uni) depending on if there's a pool near enough to Nav's parents' place (Which we're moving into soon for a few months).

Also can't really weigh myself at my sister's so will have to just hope for the best and weigh self properly once I'm home next week. *sigh*

Thinspiration

YOU HAD ME AT "THIGH GAP"

The Beginning

Starting measurements:

Arm: 34cm
Thigh: 65.5cm
Bust: 100cm
Waist: 76cm
Hips: 105cm

I also seem to have lost 0.5kg overnight (probs through sweat because its hot) so I'm not 75.5kg, but we're going with 76kg, because I tend to fluctuate a whole lot.

Ew arms, ew stomach, ew back flab, ew thighs.  Time to get on that diet & exercise >_<