Never good enough

Nothing I do is ever good enough for my father.  I just got a fucking first class honours in my degree, of which I've had straight As throughout the entirety of and he still makes comments about how its not good enough.  He has no formal qualifications AT ALL.  My friend, who was a straight B student until this year, got the highest marks overall in our year on our course and won a prize for it.  My Dad hasn't stopped talking about it since.  "Why didn't you get that? She was never getting As like you!"  She got it, get the fuck over it.  I was pissed at first because I worked hard my whole degree for that prize and my first, and someone else who drank the first 4 years and knuckled down in the last one got it.  But I'm over it, she's my friend I can't help but be happy for her.  I do deserve that prize just as much, and for all I know she had 1% more than me overall, but it doesn't matter now because she won it, end of story.  But my dad  .  just  .  won't  .  let  .  it  .  go.  Its driving me absolutely mental.  He keeps asking how she "possibly could have managed it" and how much higher a mark she had than me.  I DON'T KNOW DAD.  I don't care.  I honestly don't care how much higher her percentage was now, I got a FIRST CLASS HONOURS, ALONG WITH A DIPLOMA AND STRAIGHT As!  How is that not good enough?  Why can't you just be happy for me and proud of what I have achieved rather than what is too late to obtain?  Do you know why I "failed" you father? Do you know why I lost my way this year? Because of you.  Because you niggle and pick at every detail of how I conduct my life and you gradually peel away my self-esteem without me even realising until its too late.  Do you know how I reacted when I found out I had a 1st for my five year degree I'd slaved at?  I was relieved, in my mind I said, "Phew! Now my parents will shut up and stop badgering me."  My friends were crying with pure elation and were ecstatic.  I was thinking that I got a first, and that was what was expected of me.  I still don't feel proud of myself, or happy, or free.  I feel like its made no difference whatsoever to how you treat me.  Because its wasn't the BEST first.  While my friends were celebrating in the room around me gorging on well-earned vodka jelly, laughs and cake, I was listening to you drone in my ear about the statistics of how many people get a first, how its now twice as common as it used to be, so it MUST be easier (not that education is better and people are cleverer, or because maybe people actually have to pay to go to university now and entrance proceedures are stricter then the less clever and the poorer have been weeded out...no that couldn't possibly be it...)

Then after all is said and done you find something else to pick at - my weight, "You're looking awfully fat these days.  You should try to loose some weight now you're finished."  Not that I don't have enough to do with planning my wedding, trying to find a job and buy a house.  Oh but my parents biggest concern now apparently, is that neither me, nor my fiance will be able to find jobs before we get married in three months.  Two people, with excellent degrees, one doing a masters, and the other with industry experience, apparently are TOTALLY unemployable as far as my parents are concerned.  Even if it isn't an ideal job, we're still capable of finding SOMETHING.  I know its hard to find a job in a recession, I have no disagreement with that, but there has got to be something out there that we can get.  Its not impossible, but you're constant belittling IS NOT HELPING.  It is demotivating me, as are the "discussions" about how "fat" I am these days.  I KNOW I AM OVERWEIGHT.  I CAN SEE IT.  But this is exactly the kind of thing that leads people to developing eating disorders.  But I bet you you wouldn't care, would you daddy, as long as it made me skinny... 

I'm terrified for graduation on Friday.  I'm scared he's going to say to someone who didn't get a first, "What happened? How come you only got a 2:2/2:1?"  Nothing WENT WRONG Dad, a lot of people are happy with that mark.  I'm scared he's going to ask Kirsty why she got the prize, when I was consistently better.  I'm terrified he's going to embarass me by asking my tutors why there is no prize for consistency.  I know for the meal after the ceremony we'll sit there with him telling me how fat I am now, they'll pick at my sister's eating habits too (she doesn't eat very healthily), he'll go on and on about his concern for me & Nav not getting jobs within three months, poke fun at my friends for not getting results as good as mine...Just please Dad, for one day, shut your foul fucking mouth.

 Please.

Progress

So yeah...a few days ago I was struggling to even eat as many as 1200 calories, I just wasn't that hungry, and when I was I had distractions (shopping for my graduation stuff) so I didn't eat very often.  I was having to force myself to eat a minimum of 1200 cals to prevent my body from going into starvation mode and clinging to all my fat. 

Any now its all going downhill.  At my sister's for a week and over just this weekend we've had Nando's AND McDonalds already.  She keeps going, "Your diet is going well..." sarcastically.  But its her who keeps choosing where she wants to eat so I feel like I don't have much choice. 

So yeah diet-wise not going that well, but I'm starting my exercise regime tomorrow - basically a shitload of Yoga at least 3-4 times per week, lots of Kinect fitness stuff and hopefully back to swimming nearly every morning (I used to go 5 mornings a week for half an hour then walk 40 minutes into Uni) depending on if there's a pool near enough to Nav's parents' place (Which we're moving into soon for a few months).

Also can't really weigh myself at my sister's so will have to just hope for the best and weigh self properly once I'm home next week. *sigh*

Thinspiration

YOU HAD ME AT "THIGH GAP"

The Beginning

Starting measurements:

Arm: 34cm
Thigh: 65.5cm
Bust: 100cm
Waist: 76cm
Hips: 105cm

I also seem to have lost 0.5kg overnight (probs through sweat because its hot) so I'm not 75.5kg, but we're going with 76kg, because I tend to fluctuate a whole lot.

Ew arms, ew stomach, ew back flab, ew thighs.  Time to get on that diet & exercise >_<

Diet & Exercise

So how am I going to go about my actual diet?  Well I got this off my sister, who used to be on Weightwatchers and lost about 4st. through it.  She said I should eat 1300 cals a day with a spare 1300 cals per week to dip into.  There is another alternative to eat just 1300 cals per day, which works out a lot less overall.  I'm going to do the one without the allowance, as I'm looking to loose weight faster for my wedding.  This does make it more difficult to stick to though...

For the version with the extra weekly allowance:
http://rozziemistry.co.uk/exercise.xlsx

Or for the version with no extra weekly allowance see:
http://rozziemistry.co.uk/exercisenoallowance.xlsx

I've also limited my daily fat intake to 40g, with the spare 40 in the allowance sheet.
The reason for this is that though something might be low calorie it can still be high fat, and the goal here is really to loose fat.

Exercises I'm hoping to do are swimming, kinect games which you need to move around for (lots of sporty ones), yogalates (specifically for weight loss), floor exercises (like sit-ups, lunges and such) and yoga ball exercises.

This is the sheet I am using (Click it to download).  It already has all the formulas in place for diet and exercise, but the overall totals have to be put in manually.  Once you get to the end of a week, simply delete the figures (after taking note in the progress tab) and type in new ones for the next week, the calculations will remain in place.

Vegetarian Diet

I have been a vegetarian since I was 9 (which makes it 15 years ago that I became one) but I've never approached a diet by looking into vegetarianism.  I'm a Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian, which means I don't eat meat or fish, but do eat dairy and eggs.  Most "loose weight" diets are about converting from eating fast food and meals out to eating more vegetables.  I basically live on mostly vegetables, I love cooking from scratch, VERY rarely eat ready meals and yet I still find it hard to loose weight.  I think a lot of it comes from dairy, bread and sweets to be honest, but I don't particularly want to cut out dairy in particular because it is my main source of protein.  So I'm looking into dieting specifically as a veggie.

What are some essential foods vegetarians should keep in the kitchen? (* the ones I like, $ the ones I don't)

Fruits

• Citrus fruit (can't really eat lemons/limes on their own...)
• Melons (Only really like watermelon)
• Strawberries *
• Apples * Green only
• Dried fruit $

Dark green leafy vegetables

• Broccoli *
• Kale *
• Collard greens - I don't even know what these are
• Spinach *

Dark orange or yellow vegetables

• Carrots *
• Sweet potatoes *
• Winter squash *

Legumes

• Black, navy, pinto and/or white beans (canned or dry) *
• Lentils *********
• Vegetarian baked* or refried beans $
• Chickpeas *
• Hummus * (super fatty though)

Whole grains

• Brown rice (I prefer white...)
• Whole wheat bread, pasta, tortillas* (NOM NOM)
• Corn *
• Oats $ Hate porridge but because its soggy not because I dislike oats
• Quinoa *

Soy products

• Calcium fortified soy milk * - chocolate soy milk = NOM
• Tofu Edamame (young green soy beans) * Nice, but hard to get hold of
• Tempeh ? I think this is something to do with seasame seeds?

Meat substitutes

• Texturized vegetable protein (TVP) $ BOKE!!!
• Seitan (gluten based meat substitute) $ Yuck, yuck
• Nuts and seeds * OMNOMNOM!

http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/vegetarian.html#ixzz1wSVNgXio

Staples of a Vegetarian Diet

A balanced vegetarian diet should include:

• Grains and cereals: Wholegrain bread, brown rice, wholewheat pasta, muesli. *
• Legumes, nuts and seeds: Soya beans. kidney beans, split peas, lentils, almonds, cashews, sesame seeds ***** - love these all
• Fruit and vegetables: As much as you want - think variety. Try new fruits and vegetables and include them in your diet every day ******
• Dairy or soya products: Look out for fat free and reduced calorie options for milk, yoghurts, cheeses. *

A typical vegetarian diet closely matches expert dietary recommendations for healthy eating, being low in saturated fat and high in fibre, complex carbohydrates, and fresh fruit and vegetables. As long as you eat a variety of foods you will be getting all the nutrients you need.
http://www.weightlossresources.co.uk/diet/vegetarian.htm


It is important to provide sources of:

Vitamin B₁₂

Readily available in fortified foods such as yeast extract, soya milk, breakfast cereal and margarine. Daily amount from fortified foods: 3 micrograms. Alternatively a supplement can be provided. Daily amount from a supplement: 10 micrograms.

Iodine

Found in small amounts in green leafy vegetables and in larger amounts in seaweeds such as kelp. Daily amount: 150 micrograms.

Vitamin D

Most Vitamin D comes from sun exposure. If this is limited, foods fortified with vitamin D₂ (such as margarine or soya milk) can provide some of the daily requirements, or a supplement can be used. (Note: D₃ is not usually suitable for vegans). Daily amount: 10 micrograms.

Omega 3

Daily amount: one heaped tablespoon of ground flaxseed or two tablespoons of rapeseed oil.
http://www.vegansociety.com/food/nutrition/